Rude Assumptions

Leave a comment

Over the past week or two I have had on multiple occasions the wonderful pleasure —- yes pleasure because education of others is always a positive— of being questioned condescendingly, shouted at, and passive aggressively laughed at about Zelda. For those of you that do not know, Zelda is being trained as a Service Animal, and I am happy to say her core task that is required of her she is already capable of and getting more receptive each day (even surprising me).

IMG_9069

I do attribute that to her training classes, but also my early bonding with her from the time she was about 6-8 weeks old after she unfortunately lost her mother a day after birth— she is attached to me and receptive. However I still say “In Training” because she is young and all dogs need consistent training & refreshers and I plan on training her to do more service animal tasks.

As a precursor to the following I will acknowledge that there are many “fake” service animals put forth that serve no purpose besides companionship, never will and these people are often able to get away with it. Is it right? No. HOWEVER—- in the United States there is no set formal training for a service animal (each dog is different and each handler has their own needs), nor is there a required/regulated certificate as people claim on the internet, and lastly while service animals are usually wearing a vest they are NOT required to. What does this mean? This means on one hand it makes people who need service animals able to more easily afford their partner (formally trained animals can cost 10k or sometimes more to purchase) and choose a partner that fits their lifestyle/needs better. On the other hand it also leaves the door open for those just trying to game the system. My view is this: Are fake service animals wrong? Yes- if they are misbehaving and run around biting, growling, defecating and showing destructive behavior you are harming the reputation of service animals who would never behave that way. Should you assume every service animal you see is fake? No. I would much rather assume that you are genuine and truthful with your needs for a service animal until you (or rather your dog) prove otherwise, than embarrass you and cause you further stress which could even trigger your disability that you have the service animal for! If a dog is not being disruptive (also keep in mind depending on the disability the dog’s task could be to disrupt the person’s negative behavior, bark to alert for help or help their owner) and especially if it is not your place of business— mind your manners and keep your mouth shut. Pretty much: Live and Let Live is a good policy to have. Do not yell, feed, touch or play with a service animal even if “only in training” without speaking to the handler— more than likely they will deny your request if the dog is wearing their vest. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s the standard to help the dog focus and keep their training intact.

IMG_0850Okay, moving on. Overall I have had such positive experiences with Zelda in public, please do not misunderstand. Businesses like Costco, Walmart, Target, the mall, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, 24-hr fitness, Restaurants etc all welcome her, smile and wave— some associates even know her by name but politely resist the urge to pet her. Legally a place of business can ask you, “Is that a service animal? What tasks can he/she perform?”…they CANNOT ask you why you require a service animal. Many businesses choose to use the good faith method to avoid their employees asking inappropriate questions and opening the door for lawsuits. I am lucky enough to reside in California, specifically Los Angeles, where people (and businesses) just seem more progressive when it comes to service animals, service animals in training, and letting others “be” in general. Here places honestly don’t even ask me further than “is she a service dog?”. I know it is not the same in other states and can be quite difficult.

IMG_1699The negative experiences I have received have ALL been from individuals who I must assume have minimal knowledge of service animal rights, appropriate questioning or are just rude. It is okay to not be knowledgable about something foreign to you. Its is NOT okay to be ignorant and disparage the efforts or lifestyle of a service animal— it does more harm than you realize.

 

I don’t need to provide an extensive medical history for you, however I pride myself on being open when it is warranted or could assist in education. This is one of those times. Disabilities (although I dislike that word) are not always visible. I experience extreme anxiety, bouts of depression, and panic attacks. My panic attacks have been so severe in the past that it is not rare for my arms and legs to go numb causing paralysis. The first time this happened I was hospitalized for a week and had no warning or trigger for the event— I was unable to move my arms or legs for about 6 hours. IMG_1700Since then I have learned to understand the initial sensations when it is coming on and am able to sit or lay down for a period— drawing little attention to myself until it passes. It has never lasted as long as it did the first time. Over the course of the past year I learned about the help that a service animal can provide for these conditions. I proceeded to quietly research and then I found Zelda. She is my beautiful, smart, saving grace each day when I wake up. I have put so much time, love, energy, and (a lot of) money into my partner. So yes, it is very hurtful when people act ignorantly.

Here is a real-life perfect example of inappropriate behaviors in relation to service animals::

IMG_1106

Yesterday evening I was at the off-leash dog park I often frequent with Zelda. She loves being able to run with the other dogs, take a break from “work” (surprise! Just like the rest of us— its her version of Friday happy hour if you will!) without her vest on, and lay around outside in the sun. We usually go to the large dog area and see the same people and dogs almost everyday. Its awesome and she has tons of friends. Yesterday we were meeting up with another dog for a playdate— this dog has been with Zelda through obedience training and they love each other, but the other dog is quite shy around other dogs besides Zelda and is still learning confidence. Because of this we went to the “timid” dog area. These dogs still play but not so rough and tumble, which is fine with Zelda— she is just happy to be with her friend. I was having a private conversation with the mom of Zelda’s play date about service animal training, needs, and tasks. She asked to genuinely try to gain knowledge and since I have known her for awhile I felt open to sharing my experience honestly. At this point a woman about 20 feet or more away from me (I am not exaggerating) proceeded to yell out “So you have a Fake service animal? You know they have to be well behaved for that?” in the MOST condescending tone. Keep in mind at this point, Zelda is simply walking around the dog park with her friend and wagging her tail and has done nothing to be labeled misbehaved by anyone’s standards. I will hence forth refer to this woman as “Rude Lady”. The dialogue continued as follows:

Me: “She is not fake, she is being trained…and she is very well behaved.”

My Friend: “Zelda is really well behaved!”

Rude Lady: “Okay well why do you need her??”

Me: “I’m sorry….are you asking me what my disability is or did you mean to ask what tasks she performs?” (at this point in an annoyed, corrective tone. I’m hardly going to shout across a public park what is “wrong” with me.)

Rude Lady: “Oh, right right. Yes, what does she do?” (still condescending, but clearly taken aback that I corrected her)

Me: “She performs Tactile Stimulation and is in training to perform Deep Pressure Therapy currently, and also Balance Assistance once large enough.”

Rude Lady: “Oh….well…okay, but I have worked with service dogs in the past and she doesn’t look like one.”

Me: “As someone who claims to have worked with service animals you have quite a disregard for how your inappropriate questioning here could effect me…..even possibly triggering an issue for which the service animal is here to help with. It’s pretty disappointing. Also….we are at a DOG PARK. Service animals come in all shapes and sizes— even giant breeds.”

Rude Lady: “Okay, just saying I couldn’t tell why you had her.” (with a smirk on her face.)

Me: “Again- Inappropriate. Have a great day— Im going to head to the other lot where people are less judgmental.”

IMG_0825I then let Zelda enjoy herself for another half hour at the other lot and reflected on my experience. On one hand it was terrible— genuinely triggering major anxiety. On the other hand I was able to first hand show my friend and everyone else at that park (since the woman screamed it) what it is like when you treat a service animal team so negatively….all while hopefully reminding this woman of her place. If she truly did previously work with service animals I am embarrassed that she is a member of our community with such little regard for others. So I suppose the lesson is….think before you speak!

Next week I will be in Florida with Zelda….wish me luck!

Make sure to follow Zelda on IG to keep up with her adventures:  @zelda_clermont

To learn more about service animal laws in your state click here.

To learn the difference between Service Animals, Emotional Support Animals, and Therapy Dogs click here. 

If you are interested in donating time, money, or resources to help someone receive a service animal reach out to local organizations in your community.

If you have questions about Zelda or how I work with her— I will do my best to answer openly.

I Cried

Leave a comment

On Tuesday, November 8th, 2016 at 11pm I cried.

I don’t like to cry— who does I suppose? But, further than that I don’t often let myself cry anymore. I’m not sure yet if this is a positive quality or not, but regardless it speaks to the magnitude of that evening. My body was tense, my heart pounding and as someone who has had several major panic attacks in the past I felt it rushing towards me like a train. I began breathing exercises and closed my eyes. When I finally opened them, there they were: tears. Inconspicuous at first, unsure of themselves and hesitant. Then I felt myself surrender to them— the rush of weight leaving your shoulders and the bittersweetness of crying honestly when no one else is near. I cried until my eyes were swollen, until my supply had run out, until my body was exhausted, until my heart picked itself up again and reminded me that there is work to be done now. So cry. Cry for what we potentially lost on election night, for the struggles to come, for our people who are bullied and targeted, for our environment. Get it all out now because ladies and gentlemen the next four years will require our strength, solidarity, love, and our will to fight— and that starts now. No change is immediate, so we must persevere.

When you protest do it peacefully and with poise. When you engage in discussions do it strongly, but without degradation. When you are confused, use meditation. When you are weary, find your strength in those around you— we will hold each other up. Darlings, this is not naive hope; this is not youthful misunderstanding. This, is the continuation of a beautiful revolution in the world around us.
I urge you to decide to be well-educated and not use social media as a sole source of information. I urge you to project Love & Light into this world with all that you do. I urge you to feel the world around you within your soul. I urge you to create networks of those you trust if times get bad. Have empathy, give kindness freely, do not be discouraged by the hate around you, and stand up. We all have our parts to give, from those in the streets with signs- to those donating money- to those using their knowledge for good.

screen-shot-2016-11-09-at-7-29-47-pmI am not afraid of Donald Trump & you shouldn’t be either. I am, however, concerned that his rhetoric has given encouragement  and confidence to the wrong people. No, it’s not about him “hurting my feelings”– that he has not done, because I will not allow it. I don’t need to rant about his unconscionable actions & beliefs– we all know it, even if some choose to turn a blind eye. Together we are strong and because of passion in our hearts we are stronger than they can ever hope to be. To those of you in the past few days who have already experienced destruction, name-calling, physical violence– I am so sorry. So very sorry and I want you to know you have so innumerable allies who will continue to help you fight these injustices. Love trumps Hate.

Stand up for your friends, co-workers, strangers and future generations.  Things are not yet at their worst, and if we begin now they won’t get there, but we have to make a change. I want you to know that the rights violations being proposed will not stand because WE will not allow them. Do not be fearful, be active.

Love & Light,

-S

A Year

3 Comments

It’s been a full year now. 1 year. 52 weeks since my world was turned upside down and 52 weeks since the thing that you think could never happen to you….happened to me. When I decided to start a blog, I’ll admit, this instantly came to mind as the topic for my first post. Not because I necessarily intend my blog to focus on incidents like this but, because I want my blog to be honest. Desperately honest. And this was honestly the most jarring thing to ever effect my life as an adult. I want this blog to be a safe space. I want readers to feel that they are not alone, and on top of that….welcomed with kindness and understanding….regardless of the topic we are discussing.

I will not be revealing names or personal specifics like that within this post for two reasons: the person isn’t worth my time (they have already taken up enough of it this past year) & I don’t mean for this post to be about them, it’s about my experience and being open about it. This is me closing the door on them. By finally being open about my experience and refusing to let my anxiety keep it bottled up I am releasing the negative energy that has been weighing me down.

So here it goes: I am going to type the sentence that I have been avoiding at all cost for an entire year — “I was sexually assaulted.”

Simply typing the sentence genuinely makes my skin crawl. I am not the type to be a victim of anything. I am a feminist. I am a leader at work. I am the person everyone runs to when trouble strikes and for advice. I’m optimistic and smiling. I’m Sydney— these things don’t happen to me. Until it did happen and I questioned almost every part of myself. This past year I have worked and struggled to get back to myself, to who I am, to the me that I worked so hard to become before the incident. I don’t know if I will ever view things the same as before— I will likely never be that person again. In some ways that is terrifying. In other ways, it has allowed me to truly find myself and decide what my priorities are in this life.

As a society we teach our women not to dress a certain way, not to drink too much, not to be alone with people we don’t know…in order to prevent these incidents. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t dressed inappropriately (I was wearing a bathing suit), I was not wasted (had a few glasses of champagne over the course of several hours), and unfortunately I was with someone I thought was trustworthy and nice. And yet here I am— writing a post about my sexual assault. And to be perfectly clear: even if I was naked, wasted, and in ill company…I still would not have deserved it or been asking for it. That’s the most absurd thing society teaches women today and I hope maybe this post can make even one person see that. It could happen regardless of who you are or how you behave. Victims are not to blame. Ever. Yet it’s completely common for victims to feel guilty afterwards and be too scared to tell anyone— even their significant other or family. Even knowing I did nothing wrong I still felt ashamed and conflicted.

There are several things that stick in my mind about the incident. I remember having a nice time and then all of a sudden it wasn’t nice anymore. I vividly remember my arms being held by one individual, while another touched me inappropriately, trying to remove my bathing suit. I remember tears and a feeling of panic that Dan would think I cheated on him and wouldn’t believe that I didn’t choose this. I remember wishing he were there to save me, instead of gone on tour overseas. I remember saying “Please, I don’t want to cheat. Please.” and I’m honestly still not sure why I thought sexual assault would be cheating— another example of why we need to change the way our society views these occurrences. I remember their responses of “This isn’t cheating, no one will tell him right? He will never know. This doesn’t count.” I remember thinking, Please, let me wake up. This isn’t real. I’m going to wake up now. Wake up. I remember the breath on my skin and the tightness on my arms. I remember hearing them negotiating over my body as if I didn’t matter— “What do I get if I do this while you watch? A weekend vacation?” I also remember a moment of resignation — and closing my eyes tight in hopes I could just pretend I was elsewhere — I gave up, the thing we, as strong women, always tell ourselves we would never do…but eventually you do.  Then, most importantly— I remember a sudden, desperate moment of determination — and kicking & screaming until they released me. I tried contacting everyone and anyone I could think of, but it was late and Dan was overseas without service. Looking back at the texts, I know I was going through shock…they were simple and made no sense: “Help. Im scared. Please help me. I want to go home. What do I do?”–things that make no sense out of context. I’ve been asked before why I didn’t call the police— and I honestly don’t have a clear answer for that. I remember thinking: Sydney, don’t make them angry or let them know you’re not okay. Pretend. You got away and they are leaving you alone now so just make it home and it will be fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just go. So I went. I sat in the car with one of them as they drove me home and they tried to make light conversation— clearly testing the waters to see if I would tell anyone. I sat quietly, terrified, and couldn’t get out of the car fast enough.

My face was swollen from crying, I had bruises down my thighs and on my arms— I cried to the point that I physically threw up. When Dan had cell service and received my messages, he was there for me, as were my two closest friends. He did not blame me as I oddly feared during the incident— nor did he break up with me. He told me he loved me. He asked me details. He told me I was crazy for thinking he would leave me. He supported me and was there for me, as did the rest of our friend group. I am so grateful to have a group of individuals— they know who they are— who were there for me, no questions asked. Not everyone is so lucky.

Throughout this past year, I have had moments where I felt strong and felt that I was healed. I have then in the very next breath started to cry simply because that person showed up in my Facebook newsfeed and I couldn’t fathom how they continued to exist. I have had moments where I lashed out at others for seemingly no reason. I have had moments where I terribly pre-judged others based on shared qualities with the person in question. I have had days where I felt depressed and hopeless. I have had nightmares about it that felt so real I woke up sobbing and waking Dan, next to me. I have had moments where I mistrusted and alienated someone from my friendship based on no fault of their own—but out of distrust for new people.

I have also however had good days. I have had days where I look at my loving partner and cannot stop telling him how much I love him and appreciate his ongoing support for me. I have had days where I don’t think about the incident at all. I have started doing the things I love again. I have had moments of determination to help others going through this, like now. I have had thoughts of a future where this will almost seem like a story I read somewhere— instead of something that I experienced. I have days where I feel like myself.

One thing that especially changed was my outlook on how I present myself. I was always a very open, carefree, and social person. This incident made me suddenly question my feminist views. I began to blame myself for what happened, thinking: “Do I seem like I deserve that? I mean, did I deserve it?” It took me some time to get back to myself and re-aquaint myself with the true nature of things. And I want to stress the importance of, as women especially, not listening to the constant stream of insults, judgements, and ridiculous expectations people throw at you (and that at times we are all guilty of subjecting others to). It doesn’t matter what you wear, how subdued you are, how much makeup you choose to put on, or if you choose to be friends with mostly guys. What matters is your character; how you treat yourself and others. Be your genuine self and try your best to extend a bit of kindness to others every day–because you don’t know what they may be struggling with. One of my next posts will address this more in depth, as this is something that is a constant work in progress for us all, especially as women– we should be uplifting one another, carrying each other through these hard times– we have enough working against us already.

What has gotten me through this past year is this mantra: Love & Light. Wherever I go—whatever happens to me: I will trust and focus my energies on kindness, goodness, and positivity. I will not be a victim in any sense & I  will not allow others to determine how I live. I will take each day at a time and focus on my goals. We can overcome anything in this life with Love & Light. As Rumi said: If light is in your heart, you will find your way home. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. Join me?